blogs from the past.

since i'm in no mood at this moment to write down anything sensible, i decided to import some blog posts from years back (which I consider my "obra maestras") in here. HONESTLY, THERE AIN'T MUCH. hahaha.

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Top Ten Things Only Women Understand. (0810.2005)

10. Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat Clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

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SPOOKY SERVINGS (1101.2006)

i never believed in ghosts, all those weird creatures and spooky stories. okay, my mom used to frighten me with those when i didn’t want to eat when i was young. but i was young then, innocent. i just think that’s all a little bit exaggerated.

until yesterday.

i’m not telling this story to get on with the fad. it was my first encounter and i can’t seem to handle it. read on.

yesterday was november 1, 2006. yes, it’s the philippine halloween. my family went to sta. barbara and offered prayers for our departed loved ones. after which, we went to a barangay fiesta at our relative’s house and ate lunch there. later, we went to the city to grab some groceries for our dinner. things were getting quite smoothly. all of us (cousins) were laughing at almost anything we see.

after groceries, we went home and waited for dinner to be served. so my cousins and i spent the time at my grandma’s room because it was cool there. i left my phone as it was being recharged when grandma called us to eat dinner. i asked my cousins to go ahead because i was still texting. after sending a message, i immediately went out.

i was enjoying the food when suddenly, my mom called from the living room.

"nami sa imo. hambal mo wala ka load ngaa miscall miscall ka haw? (you’re such a liar, you told me you didn’t have load but why did you miscall me?)" my mom said.

i was pretty shaken. how could i miscall her when my phone wans’t with me? i thought she was just joking because she usually pulled jokes on me. but she showed me the call register. yes, it’s the number that i was currently using. the date was 01.11.2006 (november 1, 2006), 7:13:56 pm.

upon confirming, i told her that i didn’t bring my phone with me, it’s left inside my grandma’s room and was being recharged. nobody wasn’t in the room. i was the last one who got out and i was sure no one went inside while we were eating dinner because i was seated near the room’s door.

i went inside my grandma’s room and checked on my phone. i scanned for the call register. there wasn’t anything that said i called my mom just a few minutes ago. and how could i miscall her when i only had 1 peso to maintain my unlimited text registration? one can’t avail of a call with that amount.

everybody in the house became silent. my grandma told us to pray the rosary in the middle of our dinner. gladly, after praying, no more incident as such happened. thank God.

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SUGAR-FREE (1123.2005)

experience-wise, as always, love is sweetest at the very start.

the first few months are always rainbow-colored and candy-flavored. the feeling of kilig is everywhere. you smile before you sleep and you’d still find yourself smiling when you wake up for the same reason..and that reason is a loved one, right? you laugh at the cheesiest things he says and can’t afford to get mad at him when he does something wrong..or anything, for that matter. you sing of happy songs (even in the shower or when taking a poop), your text messages are filled with smileys, and you can’t get rid of that silly smile as if it’s plastered on your face.

no doubt, being inlove is a very awesome feeling. you are always inspired in your daily activities, you always thank the Lord for sending such a nice person to you.. you are optimistic, cheerful. nothing can’t beat the heaven out of you.

this happens in courtship. he puts his best foot forward when it comes to you. he will fill your ears (and your heart) with tiklish words. he is kind, he is a gentleman, he is awesome!

next phase is when he becomes your boyfriend. the first few months are filled with love, promises and sweet thoughts about each other. there’s even a tendency to discuss about building your future together. he will sing you love songs like.."i wanna grow old with you" and it’s enough to melt your heart.

then there goes the next stage which i don’t know how to call. but it’s that period when you test that person’s love for you. often times, you’ll check if he flashes the green eye when you talk about another guy. you test his patience by throwing fits and tantrums.

the next stage is what i call the "are you not tired of me yet stage". during this time, the guy retreats everytime you throw fits. "bahala ka" is what he often says. he gets tired but he never tells you. he shuts up, shuts up and shuts up. he never says a word. if you ask him, his answer is "i don’t know". arrgh!

but after all this, what i love most is the KISS AND MAKE UP stage. you know what it is.

but if you make a habit out of these things, it’s bound to a doom.. called the SUGARFREE stage..when the hurts are irreversible and nothing can’t be put back as it was before ever again.

inspired by the quarreling couple seated beside me hehe

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PLACEBOS (1208.2006)

am i the only one who’s craving to try it? it took me so long to hold back because i care about the people around me. but then, nobody seems to care now, so why care back? so now, it’s all about me and my stupidity.. but hey, i loved the feeling! it was wonderful!

it has been so long since i wondered how it feels like. i only wanted it to be a ONE SHOT DEAL, no more.. no less. something that will prove to me that "hey maane, this is how it feels like.. and tomorrow when you wake up.. you sure will regret it." but now i’m going to doubt that, i think i might come back for more.

because the truth is, nobody understands the pains that i’m going through. and nobody really cares about me or the way i feel. so it’s like this life’s wasted..why take care of it? why don’t i waste it a bit more? i’m going nowhere anyway. why can’t i just end it now? hmm.. i have to muster my courage for that.

now it’s between me and my newly found buddy here. here’s a shot, let’s sniff.

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A BEAUTIFUL MISTAKE (1217.2006)

what i’m going to write about in a little while might not make sense but i hope it eventually will. it kind of scares me that i’m starting to lose my skills in putting words to make a beautiful rhyme so here, i’m getting attached once again into putting my thoughts into letters to form words.. and then a sentence.. and then a paragraph.. and then a write up.

now i’m starting to make sense.

first off, let me put in here a line from a song (A Beautiful Mistake, The Ataris) which i came across upon reading my previous entries..

maybe i’m not ready for this.

maybe i’m too scared to tell you what i’m really thinking.

it’s not fair to stay together because of regrets we might have.

i don’t want to fall asleep alone..

but do i want to wake up with you?

i’m only trying to be completely honest.

i feel like i lost my closest friend.

here i am standing all alone on a bridge

and you know i would jump into the fucking ocean

if it meant i was truly capable of being satisfied.

so i guess this is the ending of a beautiful mistake.

and if we both agree that we should be together..

why does it hurt this much?

i’m not broken hearted or anything.. * but i’m close to *

you know what’s been up with me lately? i have this weird habit of counting the number of hours until somebody cares enough to check on me. today, somebody broke a record, an exploding 18 hours. should it always take this long for somebody to realize my existence?

now i’m getting used to the fact that maybe.. well, i should just get used to it. because that’s just how things work. and for the first time in my life, i don’t want to complain and cuss about it!

there’s just the feeling that i can’t be inspired anymore. just the thought sickens me, and it’s driving me to resort to my suicide note. i can’t handle depression, and that’s kind of weird because i’m sane, i’m smart, i have all the resources i need.. but i’m such a wuss when things come to this part.

how do i break it off gently with myself? should i bang my head on the wall like what i’ve been doing the past few days hoping that i could fix it through that? should i resort to the lovely thing they call euphoria to escape the truths that i can’t bear?

that is too much. people will start showing their sympathy and that’s the last thing i want to happen.

help is written all over me. who is there who’s not too blind to see?

***

BIRTHDAY BLUES (0104.2007)

"Sadness is self-inflicted. You need not to bother too much about being crappy, shitty occurrences around you. But then again, youn tend to get yourself involved.

Happiness is self-induced just the same. As they say, it’s just a matter of perspective. So while you still have the chance to shape your day’s mood, choose: would you rather be sad or happy?

Life is good. Life is bad. You decide."

i’m just wondering if Ms. Timay sees the same in me with what she said before our class ended today.. when she said that the most pitiful people on earth are those who have very low self esteem. i don’t see myself as such but maybe i’m on denial. maybe i do have less confidence on myself.

today’s supposed to be a special day for me. a number of friends and "not-so" friends greeted me since 01.04 midnight. even my class sang the birthday song for me. i received a few phone calls from my extended family with their greetings said. each time i get a greeting, i try so hard to push back the tears to where it’s formed. it gets more weird when i was commuting. those damn tears just really wanted to flow. i thought i would never be into the same silly situation as what i often see in TV dramas. but i did. now, call me silly. but how would you handle that?

i don’t know what’s going on. i badly want to isolate myself from people. i don’t want to see anybody, hear anybody’s opinion, talk to anybody. i just don’t. i don’t want to flash a fake smile on myself pretending that i’m okay when i’m actually not and that i’m badly hurting inside.

i know it’s unfair. people are just really trying to be nice to me. they just want me to feel better. i appreciate the efforts, really, but it’s not their problem why i’m acting all this weird. it’s just me.

i’m afraid about what Ms. Timay said that people who have very low self esteem and are too weak to handle it could end up with a mental illness. but i do feel so weak. i don’t have anything more to hold on to. and if being ill could offer relief from this misery, i dunno, i might want it that way. i can’t rely my happiness from anybody. but where can i buy that "happiness" for myself? they say misery loves company. but it seems like i’m all in this alone, i’m the only miserable person in this world so let me say hell to that. MISERY LOVES ME.