little did you know..

The name is Marianne. I don’t like it. I don’t think it sounds cool. Call me Maane, that’s more i like it. I’m 23 and "don’t ask me anymore" years old. I, at most times, lie about my age. It’s a shame, I’m not getting any younger (though I look a whole lot younger than you :p). I hate it. I am currently a no-good unemployed nurse. I graduated from St Paul University Iloilo's Nursing Department, the home of the recently proclaimed "top performing nursing school in the country" on March 2008. I’m proud to belong in this institution. All the stress, the anxiety, the paranoia -- it causes me keeps me alive. And yes, I wouldn't be a REGISTERED NURSE if not for my beloved alma mater. HAH!

I practically grew up in a "house" environment. If you have heard that popular song by Kamikazee where the line "Ang almusal ay sigawan, ang hapunan natin ay tampuhan," that perfectly explains my living situation. Smiles and laughter appear once in a blue moon — it could either be expensive or rare. I have overprotective and exaggerated parents who make a big fuss over simple things. I have two rude brothers and one obnoxious sister. I am the eldest among four children. My siblings do not respect me. I am often being yelled at by 20, 18 and 13 year-olds, punched in the face or badmouthed at. I have a distrusting father whose reflexes fire right away when there’s a blackout, when his cellphone rings, or when there’s trouble at his workplace — and responds slowest when his daughter is at the Emergency Room with a broken bone. I have a nagging mother whose morning routine is to shout, scream, cuss, complain and shout some more. Getting a 90% grade in NCM never made her happy and a first place in a writing competion was never good enough for her.

We go to mass every Sunday, all 6 of us. We sit there quietly, each of us consumed in our own thoughts. My father, probably checking out electricity wire faults at the ceiling; my mother, most certainly trying to perform mental math operations of next week’s budget; my
siblings — uhh, I couldn’t care less. If you weren’t a part of our "circle of trust", you would probably get envious seeing us together. Here’s a fact, YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO KNOW.

Friends, oh well, I have a few trusted ones. They’re the ones whom I’ve known since grade school. Apparently, my longest bestfriend is at the US now. One is busy with her online shop while the other two are simply on their "now you see, now you don’t mode". So that leaves Maane with a capital "L" plastered on her forehead. No, not Loser, but LONELY.

Contradictory to what you might see most of the time from me, I am always smiling, active and happy. But that is just a mask. A game that I am good at playing. A battle at which I am struggling to defeat my worst enemy, myself. No, my life is not a lie. I wouldn’t have told you this crap if it was. Who would ever wish to have this kind of life that I have? I bet nobody will.

I write this not for sympathy or empathy but for discernment. For giving me a benefit of your doubt. For not misjudging me. For setting me free.

I don’t live in a world of pretensions. I never had that dream where I wished that I had a different set of people around me or that I had a better life. I would end up getting frustrated if I did.

So what do I do to keep myself going… rather, dragging myself to continue? Honestly, I have no idea. It’s just that.. everyday, I wake up wanting the day to end right away. I always want to skip the part of the struggles and chaos that I am required to go through, and wake up one day realizing that I am free, I am liberated. I keep myself as "happy" as possible.. That part, synthetic. Easy to suck out away from me.

Oh no, I am not a prayerful person.. Yet, I randomly talk to the Supreme Being at random times.

At present, I divert my attention to other things such as review classes for NCLEX. It keeps me smarter (or maybe that’s just a feeling) and laughing my heart out (laughter is the best medicine). When I’m a home and totally bummed, I attend to my narcoleptic pangs.

I am adventurous, not rebellious. I experiment, I take risks, I face my fears.

I am weak.. But I am brave to admit it.

I am bitter, yes, but someday, my happy ending will find me.

***

written September 16th, 2007 for an autobiography project.
i didn't get to pass it eh. :))